Love is a battlefield???

I try not to think that way -- as much as this song is among my top karaoke songs, I think it's too fatalistic.

I've always tried to stay away from the tantrums and baggage that come along with L-O-V-E. If love were a battlefield I'd be a sniper or a runner (one of those messengers who take info back and forth from the front line to HQ). I've always danced along the periphery and never really dove in. I don't like to get my hands dirty.

Then I met the Lieutenant and things changed. I opened up more and it was easy to do it because the he was soooo far away. It was so far away that it could even have been Oz.... oh wait, it was. He didn't make any demands on me, I didn't make any demands on him and it was really fantastic. It was sort of like having a pen pal who was turning into my best friend. There were times when it would have been nice to share things with him -- like maybe hold hands on a cold day -- show him my fave ramen joints -- go bicycle riding and join in reckless randomness but overall I was pretty content with the situation.

It was a nice little bundled up quasi-relationship and I absolutely enjoyed spending my virtual time with him; emails, skype, texts, phone calls. All of it was easy to digest -- not confusing at all. Then I went to go see him and things unraveled. Perhaps my expectations were too high -- maybe things just sped up too quickly -- our time together was stressed and it was like being in warp-speed headed for a big asteroid or something. I got confused and I think he did too. Maybe I should have held back but I dove in head on. It was important that I prove that I wasn't afraid to show someone how I felt - more importantly I needed to prove this to myself.

I remember talking to my sis about all this before I left for my trip. She told me that I didn't need to be afraid of it and that even if it felt like someone tore out my heart, ripped it to shreds and stomped all over it, that I'd be okay. Reluctantly I agreed because I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. Yeah, yeah whatever, I thought. And it happened to me - I got hurt -- but I survived. I told the Lt I loved him and things just didn't work out. I was sad and it felt bittersweet but as more time passes my memories are sweeter, less bitter.

Next time? You ask? I don't know when that's going to happen. I've always been more cautious with people whom I truly like --- maybe even grow to love. I might get on that battlefield and work my way up to the front line. I might not even have to fight for it at all -- I might just let it happen in its own way. I'll be ready for it though and I won't be afraid of it.