Acid Reflux

Oh god, I had a talk with someone today about the blog I posted about the ex. So I got a big lecture about all this golden rule stuff and all that. I don't know he said something about no matter how awful I think that person is, what binds us in the most fundamental way is that we all want to find happiness.

Instantly, I began to feel bad about the mean things I wrote. Seriously, guilt is an overwhelming thing. Usually I go through life feeling fleeting remorse if any for rash and oftentimes cruel words. I justify them with the thought that the person will deal with it and maybe forget it and maybe just maybe (completely irrationally thought on my part) that they will be stronger because of it. I realize my journey into being a truly kind human being shouldn't be limited to spreading the kindness to my family and friends and even strangers or my dog but to people whom I sometimes find despicable.

Said that, I also realize that this is the second time I have openly admitted to my F-up'dness and I am still the same person I vowed I would change. I am beginning to regret all those times I felt it was easier to be cruel, cold, and just plain mean where each mean thing I said made me seemingly more invulnerable to being disappointed and hurt by others. Therein lies my twisted conundrum of trying to be a truly "GOOD" person without getting hurt. If it does mean getting hurt in the process will I survive emotionally, psychologically? I might go into that fire and come out a new person and I thought I did that already. I thought I was tested and came out a stronger albeit more brittle version of my previous self. Maybe this is an overly neurotic way to excuse myself of actually doing good and being good. I really want to try though.

BTW, I was hurt the first week we broke up. I didn't want to admit it, but I did feel bad and I didn't want to admit that I felt betrayed, but I did.